I don’t think my husband fully comprehends just how fucking livid I am at him for eating my pizza. He fucking knows better (we’ve had problems with eating things he knew I was saving) and then gives me a lame-ass “I’m sorry.” No you’re not sorry, if you’d given it a fucking moment’s thought you wouldn’t have eaten it!!! Fucker.
I fought the binge…
4 Augand the binge won. 
I’m a fucking mess. Between my little dog being seriously hurt and going back to the vet for xrays tomorrow and finding out that my daughter is not going to be in the same class as any of her friends, I’m a wreck.
So, where did I turn? Duh. To food. 11:15pm and I started grazing.
A bowl of cottage cheese with goldfish pretzels mixed in.
Several shots of whipped cream right from the can.
A bunch of carrots.
Some black forest ham.
A couple of glasses of milk.
Stood in front of the cabinet crying because I couldn’t find anything else I wanted to stuff in my face.
Sitting in front of the computer crying wanting to go eat more and feeling worthless.
Have to get up in 6 hours.
I don’t see much sleep happening tonight.
Tags: binge, binging, diet, failure, fat, obesity, set back, weight loss
I fought the binge…
4 Augand I won!
I did start wanting to eat late last night but I fought it off and went to sleep. It’s a small victory.
Struggling today. My little dog hurt her back and this could be very, very bad.
Tags: diet, dieting, fat, obesity, weight loss
Day 3
3 AugSkipped breakfast this morning. BAD Fatzi11a!
Stayed within range on calories for the day.
Going to bed before I can freak out and/or start obsessing and go on a binge.
Down 3 lbs from my start weight. (Didn’t lose 3lbs in 3 days, I weighed myself sometime last week and didn’t bother to reweigh on Aug 1) So it may not be all that accurate but it makes me feel good, so I’ll take it!
An epiphany…
2 AugWell, not really an epiphany but the same realization I had over a year ago… I just forgot about it.
Day one of tracking what I actually eat in a day was quite enlightening. Using SparkPeople I set my daily calorie intake goal as between 1200 and 1550 calories which is very reasonable. After journaling my food today and realizing that I’m ravenous and obsessing about food at 10:30pm (which is absolutely typical for me and late at night is when I would binge) I looked at my total and I only ate about 1062 calories today. It’s no wonder I freak out at night. I’m actually not eating enough during the day!!
Duh.
I’m a fucking moron! I figured this out a year ago and somehow my feeble brain managed to forget it. I’ve even had a bunch of people who know me well and have observed my day time eating habits be flummoxed by my weight. What they didn’t know about was the late night binges. So if I can keep doing what I have always done during the day and make sure I get at least 1200 calories so that I’m not physically ravenous at night, then I can work on the emotional triggers that also cause me to eat at night.
So, I’m going to find something healthy and reasonable to eat so that I can sleep tonight. I cannot go to sleep when I’m physically hungry.
Tomorrow I’m going to work at making sure I get at least 1200 calories… more if I actually manage to start working out with the Wii Fit Plus. Like that’s going to happen…
Baby steps.
Crisis over…
2 AugI didn’t really want the Coke. I didn’t drink the Coke. I’ll throw it out here shortly.
I’m back to a relatively sane state… relatively.
I am insane!!
2 AugOMG! Just writing that last post triggered me and sent me into a crazy tailspin!
There is a 2 liter bottle of Coke in the fridge with about an inch of soda left in it. I keep meaning to throw it away but then I forget and it gets shoved to the back.
I started obsessing about that damned Coke! Seriously obsessing. Racing thoughts about wanting the Coke. Then my stomach growled even though lunch satisfied me.
I got up to go get the Coke. Veered off at the last second and went into the office to rant at my poor Hub about how completely insane I am, complete with tears!
He followed me into the kitchen. I opened the fridge and looked at the Coke. Talked myself out of it and began to close the fridge and reach for a glass of water when my Hub, trying to be helpful, said, “Have a glass of water.” All the blood rushed to my head, I got an adrenaline rush and I felt that familiar RAGE. The immediate thought was, “Fuck you! I’ll drink whatever I want!” I fought it off and managed to laugh instead of scream, and said instead, “Well, I was going to until you TOLD ME TO!!” Then I cried some more while telling him, “There is something wrong with me! Seriously, wrong with me!”
My 6yr old came in and asked why I was crying, I told her I was fine. She asked for a pear. Oh look, sanity and good choices.
We’re both eating a pear for snack.
But I still want the Coke.
Tags: fat, insanity, obesity, weight loss
